Apply immediately at the FED to become a bank

These days everbody should become a bank – the money press is running anyway and America will be renamed soon into United Socialist America, since all companies will be owned by the government at some point. Please fill out the bank transformation application which is sent out by the government (just kidding – although it;s far to serious to make jokes) and send it without a stamp to the FED or directly to the home address of Secretary Paulson – he should work a bit for the $200 mil. he saved on taxes.

By Electric Dragon / FT Onion
Hank Paulson, the US Treasury Secretary, yesterday announced a far-reaching expansion of the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP). Everyone would be allowed access to the Federal Reserve’s discount window and the Treasury would, in return, accept anything as collateral.

The latest expansion of the Treasury’s bail-out plan comes as it is clear that the world economy is is trouble.


Economists agree that something must be done. “Something must be done” said Professor Hugo Z. Hackenbush of the Institute of Spotting Trouble in Hindsight, “and preferably sooner rather than later. This is clearly something, so Paulson must do this.”

The TARP was originally only supposed to purchase assets from banks suffering in the recent financial crisis. But as more and more companies started to become banks, the TARP became a victim of its own success. Treasury insiders say the strain was apparent when first Amex, then GM and Ford applied for banking licences, but the final straw came when Bloomingdales and Wal-Mart followed suit.

Paulson’s new plan, to be known as the Worldwide Asset Normalisation Concept, will allow any business, anywhere in the world, to borrow dollars from the Federal Reserve discount window in return for any kind of collateral. “This is a far-reaching proposal” said Paulson at today’s press conference, “that will allow us to put a floor under all those troubled assets that are causing the current r… r… economic slowdown. Eventually the assets will recover in price and we will make a handsome profit whilst having rescued the economy.”

When asked if Orange County apartments, HD-DVD players and HBOS shares would be acceptable as collateral, Paulson appeared to go pale and clutch his chest muttering “What have I done?” before recovering.

(This piece, by ‘Electric Dragon’, originally appeared in the comments of a post on FT Alphaville)


~ by behindthematrix on November 12, 2008.

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